Finding My Center Once Again
Falling into Old Patterns of Shame and Self-criticism
Hey Friends,
Have you ever cleared yourself from a negative belief or thought only for it to ambush you when least expected?
If you answer in the affirmative, then you may relate to my story.
If you’ve been following my newsletter for some time, then you’ll know I suffered from severe social anxiety for most of my adult life, and only over the last year can I say that I’ve cleared the chunk of the thinking/feeling loop that fueled this anxiety.
However, during the last few weeks, I found myself progressively falling back into the familiar old patterns.
At first, I was distraught, thinking all my progress went out the window with my confidence.
The more I tried to think my way out of shame and self-criticism, the deeper I sunk, like quicksand.
As a natural consequence, I slowed down my daily momentum and masculine drive to attend to my emotions, and after a few days of stuckness, it clicked. My progress was not about reaching a constant state of positive self-regard and confidence but rather about how I experienced myself amid challenging emotions. In other words, my personal evolution was evident in my ability to experience more fully the arising rawness and vulnerability. To direct acceptance, love, and compassion to these parts while anchored to a deeper knowing of the man I am irrespective of present emotions.
Over this challenging time, I found the work of Tara Brach quite comforting and essential, particularly Radical Self-Acceptance, a shortened lecture-style version of her book, Radical Acceptance.
The work of identifying and transcending the trance of emotional stuckness isn’t an exact science, and although teachers provide various frameworks, results cannot be reliably replicated. Yet, it’s each individual’s prerogative to seek answers and figure out what clicks.
One example of such a framework is Tara Brach’s 4-step process, intended to disrupt the trance of shame and self-judgment by leaning into acceptance and compassion. The acronym RAIN summarizes this process:
Recognize what is going on;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.
It’s not easy to cultivate self-compassion when we are at our worst. However, only through such practice can we bring light to the darkest places and disarm their power over us.
In the previous newsletter post, I outlined my quests for the first quarter of this year, one of which is to become a more proficient jazz pianist and perform live for the first time. However, for a man who was afraid and anxious for most of his life, stagnated and self-absorbed, my real mission this quarter and beyond is to continue the work toward masculine embodiment. Today, I feel more like a man than I ever did, and it feels amazing. Through study and reflection, I cleared misconceptions that labeled all masculinity as toxic and clarified the pillars that define a spiritually, emotionally, sexually, and physically aligned man.
There is still tremendous work ahead, but as I write this, I’ve once again transcended the emotional trance that gripped me the last few weeks. Yet, I am keenly aware that daily situations and interactions will continue to challenge me and, occasionally, tip me over to the dark side. Sometimes, I will be quick to find the light; other times, it will take a while, and that’s okay.
Until next time,
Stay kind to yourself:)
Abi